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So last night I had my break down. I cried and sobbed and cried some more. We all knew Grandpa was dying. We knew it for a long time. Even though we knew it was coming, I didn't really ever expect it to actually happen. Screwy right? I feel worse and worse as the days go by thinking about how I had all these opportunities to go visit him while he was in the Lodge. I never did. I was too selfish. Afraid. I didn't want to see him laying there sick and unaware. I felt even worse about it when I read this:

Alzheimer's Prayer

Please grant my visitors
Tolerance of my confusion
Forgiveness for my irrationality,
And the strength to walk me
Into the mist of memory
My world has become.

Please help them take my hand
And stay awhile
Even though I seem unaware
Of their presence

Help them to know their strength
And loving care will drift slowly
Into the days to come
Just when I need it most.

Let them know when I don't recognize them
That I will...I will...
Keep their hearts free of sorrow for me
For my sorrow, when it comes
Only lasts a moment, then it's gone.

And finally, Lord
Please let them know
How very much their visits mean
How even through this relentless mystery
I can still feel their love.

He would have felt my love for him. But would he have felt my sadness as well? I just wish I had gone to visit once. Just once. I'm having a hard time with this death. Harder than I think I thought I would. He was so young. Only 78. Just barely 78. We need to find a cure for this wicked disease. It sucks.