It's been crazy around here lately. Nolan is no longer a fan of sleep. Unless, of course, he's being held. And not by just anyone, he needs to be held by me. While I love snuggling my littlest babe, I really do need to be able to put him down at some point. The past 2 nights have been insane. As I've said before, Dan feeds Nolan in the middle of the night while I pump. So Monday night Nolan was in bed at a decent time. 10 o'clock I believe. Anyway he was up at 1:3o to eat. He had his bottle and then when he realized Dan was the one holding him, he flipped right out. So, I got to sit up for a half hour pumping listening to Nolan scream bloody murder. I took Nolan from Dan after I was finished pumping and kept him until 2:30 or 3. He was calm so Dan took over and stayed up with him until 4:30. Nolan was then up at 5:30 to eat. I fed him and he went back to sleep. Last night, Nolan went to bed at 8(!!!) and woke up at 10 to eat. Dan fed him and then Nolan freaked out, again, so I took him downstairs and watched some TV. The little guy was tired so he went back to sleep fairly quickly. Nolan was up at 1:30, Dan fed him, Nolan flipped out. So again, sit upstairs for a half hour pumping while Nolan is downstairs with Dan screaming his head off. I go downstairs and take him from Dan, the kid immediately shuts up. So, I get him to sleep...again, he was tired so he went to sleep again fairly quickly. Nolan got up at 5 to eat...again...same thing. So. this time I got way way WAY frustrated and put him screaming into his bassinet and wheeled him into our master bath, closed the door, closed the door to the bedroom, came downstairs and let him scream himself to sleep. It's getting harder and harder and harder to deal with these friggen outbursts. I have no relief and when I get frustrated I have dan getting mad at me because I'm getting frustrated. Nice. I get absolutely no break whatsoever from these kids. While he is tired, he still gets to go to work and talk to adults, not change diapers, not hear one, two or all three kids screaming on and off all day long. He doesn't have to sit with kids through time outs, he doesn't have to break up fights, divvy up toys, feed, rock and soothe babies, doesn't have to cook, or clean. Doesn't have to sit cooped up in a house wondering when the next time he'll be able to leave. He has a shower every morning, he eats breakfast at a leisurely pace, goes to work before anyone else so he gets quiet time. Me on the other hand, I wake up to at least one kid crying for food, usually all three. I don't get to shower every day. I have to cook three meals a day, every day, I clean clean clean all day every day, I usually get in one phone call to another adult a day but no face to face, I have to break up fights usually every 5 minutes or more, divvy up toys, sit with kids through time outs, make beds, remake beds. Clean the kitchen, reclean the kitchen. Vacuum, vacuum again. Change diapers, wash faces and hands, wipe bums, sometimes I get to eat breakfast, not usually, I don't get to sit and sip my coffee, I have to gulp it down. So, when I'm frustrated because the baby is screaming when he should be sleeping, I think I have a right. When I decide that I want to go to bed while Dan sits up with the screaming baby, I shouldn't be made to feel guilty. I have no break from these kids so I have a right to get frustrated. I don't have the luxury of going to a daily job. Now I know my plan was always to be a stay at home mom. I'm glad I am, I love my kids, even with the fights and time outs and toy stealing and scrapes and bumps and bruises. But I get frustrated. I get tired. I get annoyed. I sometimes feel trapped. I sometimes question why I chose this life. I don't want criticism, I want some support. I want an offer to cook dinner once in a while, or clean a bathroom without being asked.
Well, that was a hell of a rant. Can you tell I'm ready to pull my hair out? That I need some sleep. A little support when I'm feeling low and frustrated would be nice too.
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