I'm Trying

This third baby of ours has really thrown our world for a loop. I feel like i can't catch my breath. At all. All I do is tread water, exist, survive. I can't get a routine back into this house to save my soul. Anyone who knows me, knows that I thrive on routine. My kids thrive on routine...except Nolan. I realize he's only 8.5 weeks old. But the other two boys had a pretty awesome routine down by this time. Both were sleep trained. Not to sleep through the night, but to at least have a consistent bedtime every night. Not Mr. Nolan. Nope. This little boy is a challenge of challenges. He's colicky, and hungry, and doesn't appreciate his Daddy trying to snuggle. He loves his Mommy. He NEEDS his mommy. It's hard to not be able to catch a break. It's hard to be at his beck and call 24 hours a day. Dan definitely tries his hardest to calm and soothe Nolan. He tries to take over, but the little bugger won't have any of it. I can't go to bed early, I can't take a bath, I can hardly get out of the house because this kid needs to be on me all the flippen time. I love him, I really do, but sometimes it's a love because I have to. Not because I want to. He's certainly made the decision whether or not to have more babies pretty easy. My mental state would suffer badly if we were to bring another baby into this world. I hate feeling like I'm short changing my big boys because the baby is so excessively demanding. I hate turning on a cartoon in the basement for them to watch and then just leaving them to their own devices for the majority of the day because I'm too exhausted and overwhelmed to be a half decent mother to them. It kills me that they're getting pushed aside so that this new little person in the house can be tended to. I wish I was a better parent and could easily and breezily handle parenting three kids. I can't. If I had known how difficult this would have been, there's no way I'd have had another baby. That being said, I wouldn't trade Nolan for the world. The rare moments where he's smiling and cooing are absolutely worth it. I know this phase doesn't last forever, but it's extremely difficult to deal with when we're in the heat of it.

Anyway off to deal with screaming and crying. Wonderful.