Merry Christmas?

It's Christmas Eve. I'm sitting here with the news that tonight will probably be the last one for my grandpa. I'm heartbroken. So so incredibly sad. I've lost a lot of people in my life. A lot. But never anyone of this caliber. I have immense guilt over the fact that he's dying, and I'm here and I can't go and see him. I feel so much guilt over the fact that I never made time while I was back home to go see him. I didn't bother taking my babies to go see him. He never met 3 of his four great grandsons. I feel horrible. I feel sad that I can't be there for my mom while she experiences a loss so profound her world will never be the same. I should be there. I've been doing my best to be strong when I talk to my mom on the phone. Really all I want to do is bawl and tell her how much this sucks. But I need to be strong. This can't be easy. No matter what age you are, I doubt that you're ever fully prepared for losing a parent. Whether it was a long drawn out process, or something quick and unexpected. I imagine the pain is still just as raw. Just as heavy. I know how I'm feeling about losing a grandparent. I remember when I was really young, I used to be terrified of my parents dying. I was just as terrified of my grandparents dying. I can remember being up at night silently crying to myself at the mere thought of losing a parent or grandparent. I'm living my worst nightmare. I'm guessing my cousins and aunts and uncle are feeling the same way. This really sucks. I know my grandpa has been dying for a long time but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm going to do my best to have a Merry Christmas anyway. I'm sure it's what he would've wanted. I'm going to make sure I stop and think about him though. Remember him in his happier healthier days. I'm going to pray and pray that he's at peace, not in pain. I'm going to pray for strength for my mom and her brother and sisters, and her step-mother. I'm going to pray for understanding. I'm just going to pray. It's about all I can do at this point. I'm going to remember Christ at this special time. I'm going to call on Him to lift me and hold me through this. I'm going to pray for comfort for my family. And happiness. It can still be a happy and merry Christmas. After all, Grandpa will be whole again. His body will be healed. He'll be in a far better place, looking over us all. With a smile I hope.