It's Over.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Boxing Day

He's still hanging in there, as far as I know. I guess everyone has told him it's okay now for him to let go. Everyone is going to be alright, things are taken care of. He still won't let go. Something is keeping here. No one can figure out what it is. They've upped his morphine dose to help him along, so I'm told. I completely disagree with this. "No heroic measure" this is what he wanted. Fine and dandy. But. What about the necessities of life. Like oxygen and fluids. He's receiving neither. I don't think those classify under 'heroic' but apparently in the medical world, they do. What if he's hanging on still because he's changed his mind? Is he aware? Is he still in there, or is it simply his body not wanting to shut down? I don't know. I can't imagine what it's like in that hospice room. It must be so heavy and sad. Of course it is. In a way I'm glad I'm not there, in a bigger way, I'm horrified that I'm not there. I should be there to lend my support or help wherever I can. Distribute tissues, go for coffee runs, offer hugs and a shoulder, an ear. Anything. But I'm not. I'm sitting in my house going half crazy thinking about this and thinking about how on earth I'm going to get myself back home for the service. Money doesn't grow on trees you know. We just had Christmas. We just finalized our budget for 2010. It was going to be the year of saving. Still is, really. But that doesn't mean that we still stretched ourselves in 2009. Yes, all bills are paid, there's food in the cupboard. But there's no wiggle room. If I have to hitchhike with my baby all the way home. I will. I have to get there, some way. I'll get there. I just don't know how.

I'm going to go to bed now. With my phone under my pillow. Knowing that every minute that ticks by is another minute closer to receiving the phone call I never wanted to get. The phone call that my mom never ever wanted to make. I'll go to my bed with a heavy heart. I'll pray for strength and understanding. For myself and my family. I'll pray for comfort for grandpa. For him to know that it's alright to go home. His body will be healed. He'll be whole again. I'll pray for peace for my aunts and my uncle. I'll give thanks for my wonderful and happy life. For my children, my husband. My brothers and sister. I'll thank the Lord for all the little things in my life that mean so much.

Hanging in There

Grandpa is still hanging in there. Mom told me today that they had some very sad moments today, but also so happy ones. Lots of memories being shared, laughs, but lots of tears. I guess Grandpa just isn't quite ready to leave yet. Perhaps he's enjoying having all his kids together again. Maybe that was his secret Christmas wish. Who knows? As of 10:50 this evening, I have yet to receive a call saying that Grandpa has gone home.

Despite these current events, we did have a very Merry Christmas. The big boys had a lot of fun this morning. Liam got very overwhelmed. We figured this would happen. It happened last year when Spencer was a similar age. Liam opened his first gift and that was it. It was all he wanted to play with. I ended up opening a large portion of his gifts because he couldn't focus! Poor guy. We may change it next year and open regular family gifts on Christmas eve and then save the stockings and Santa gifts for Christmas morning. One of my friends does this and I didn't see why until this morning. It spreads out the festivities a little more. The little kids can deal a little better, and it helps with the chaos of gift opening and playing. Spencer really enjoyed all his gifts. He was able to handle the chaos a little better. He still tired out pretty quick and was ready to just play after a little bit!

Dinner was fantastic, despite the fact that I forgot to get cranberry sauce! Oops! We had pie for desert and everyone was satisfied and full at the end of it all! Today was a success! There were a few tears shed, but also memories shared.

Merry Christmas?

It's Christmas Eve. I'm sitting here with the news that tonight will probably be the last one for my grandpa. I'm heartbroken. So so incredibly sad. I've lost a lot of people in my life. A lot. But never anyone of this caliber. I have immense guilt over the fact that he's dying, and I'm here and I can't go and see him. I feel so much guilt over the fact that I never made time while I was back home to go see him. I didn't bother taking my babies to go see him. He never met 3 of his four great grandsons. I feel horrible. I feel sad that I can't be there for my mom while she experiences a loss so profound her world will never be the same. I should be there. I've been doing my best to be strong when I talk to my mom on the phone. Really all I want to do is bawl and tell her how much this sucks. But I need to be strong. This can't be easy. No matter what age you are, I doubt that you're ever fully prepared for losing a parent. Whether it was a long drawn out process, or something quick and unexpected. I imagine the pain is still just as raw. Just as heavy. I know how I'm feeling about losing a grandparent. I remember when I was really young, I used to be terrified of my parents dying. I was just as terrified of my grandparents dying. I can remember being up at night silently crying to myself at the mere thought of losing a parent or grandparent. I'm living my worst nightmare. I'm guessing my cousins and aunts and uncle are feeling the same way. This really sucks. I know my grandpa has been dying for a long time but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm going to do my best to have a Merry Christmas anyway. I'm sure it's what he would've wanted. I'm going to make sure I stop and think about him though. Remember him in his happier healthier days. I'm going to pray and pray that he's at peace, not in pain. I'm going to pray for strength for my mom and her brother and sisters, and her step-mother. I'm going to pray for understanding. I'm just going to pray. It's about all I can do at this point. I'm going to remember Christ at this special time. I'm going to call on Him to lift me and hold me through this. I'm going to pray for comfort for my family. And happiness. It can still be a happy and merry Christmas. After all, Grandpa will be whole again. His body will be healed. He'll be in a far better place, looking over us all. With a smile I hope.

Never Fails

Dan left about 45 minutes ago to drive into the city for work today. He'll be home this afternoon. Anyway, Nolan hadn't been up yet for his second feeding. It's a two person job when the bug gets up. No less than 5 minutes after Dan drove away, guess who's up? With an EXTREMELY full and EXTREMELY stinky diaper. Yup. You guessed it. I'm glad he pooped though. He has a habit of going about a week between poops and it freaks me out. Apparently it's not uncommon with breastfed babies, but still. Anyway. His guts are cleaned out, his belly is full and now i'm about to go haul Liam out of his room so he doesn't wake up the rest of the house.

The Move is On

I started cleaning out our closet today. By cleaning I actually mean I hauled everything out of the closet and left it in the middle of the room. I moved all my clothes into Spencer's closet and put Nolan's bassinet in our closet. I'll be able to fit a chair in the closet so I can feed him in there in the middle of the night. Nice! It'll be awesome to be able to go to bed and read again! Nolan has been doing fairly well with going to bed. He had a hard time last night, but that was because he was hungry hungry!

Liam went and had his H1N1 and seasonal Flu booster shots today. Silly daddy forgot to bring the bear!! We all know Liam can't go anywhere without the bear! Anyway, he cried for the shots but quickly recovered. When they got home Liam came upstairs, got his bear, climbed up on my lap and promptly fell asleep!! He's NEVER done that before!! It killed me to go lay him in his bed! I wish I could have just snuggled him on the couch all afternoon!

Spencer hasn't had a nap for the past 2 days! He gets really grumpy in the evening, but I think that he might be ready to give them up once and for all. It makes me a little sad because I lose that quiet time in the afternoon that I so so so cherish. But I'm thinking I'll start enforcing some sort of quiet time rule where he has to go to his room and read for a little bit. Or play quietly. I don't want to just put him in front of the TV and leave him all afternoon. Today we coloured for a little bit, he's got such interesting things to say! It's nice when he's all alone and just starts speaking whatever is on his mind! He's so intelligent and observant!

So I managed to finish up my Christmas shopping yesterday. Maybe another few stocking stuffers for Dan and then I'm good. This year I decided that Dan was in charge of stocking stuffers for the kids. I've done 100% of the Christmas shopping for the kids for the past 3 years so I figured it was time he had a chance to do something. I have such a hard time with stockings and he thinks in a completely different way than me so I like seeing what he chooses! He always does a good job with my stocking, so I'm sure the boys are going to love whatever 'Santa' puts in theirs!

I can't wait to see the big boys on Christmas morning! I know it's been said a million times before, but there's nothing like experiencing Christmas through a child's eyes. Their joy and wonder for the season is so pure!! I love seeing them believe with their whole heart that Santa is coming! I hope we can keep them believing in Santa for a long long time!

Anyway, enough rambling! I should go get some clothes ready for work later tonight! And maybe eat some lunch!

Nolan Meets Great Grandma Peggy

Wednesday was a big day for Great Grandma Peggy. She got to meet her newest great grandson, Nolan!! Nolan brings the grand total of GG* Children to 6 for Grandma Peggy. She was having a pretty good day. Was able to communicate well. She got to see what a hooligan her GGson Liam is! He definitely would much rather explore the nursing home and bang on the giant fish tank than hang out in GGma's room! Nolan was the perfect little angel for her. He even woke up and flashed her his amazing dark blue eyes! Little stud! We realized that from here on out when we go to the Youville to visit GGma Peggy it will be with only one child at a time. It's far too much excitement/noise to take all three. It's not fair to the other residents to have our kids running and screaming in the halls! But, at least for one day, GGma Peggy was able to see what our life is like. I'm sure she can relate, she had 7 Children in her home. Good lord, I admire her patience!

*Great Grand

Growth Spurting Again

Nolan is currently going through his 9 week growth spurt. I love it. I would love it more if he'd eat like crazy for a day or 2 then sleep like crazy for a day or 2. He's eating and sleeping like crazy all at the same time. Thank god I have a tonne of breastmilk in the freezer. I almost can't keep up with him! Little porker!

I noticed today he has a pretty awful rash under his chin(s). I think I'm going to have to put some cortisone on it to get it to clear up. And lots of baby powder to keep it dry in there. He spits up so much it's almost always wet in his little folds.

Anyway, time to go. Spencer is in a to-the-rest-of-the-day time out. Climbing on top of the computer desk...penalty. Climbing on top of the computer desk to reach the scissors...penalty and a game misconduct. Stinker.

It Really Annoys Me

It really annoys me when I'm out with all three kids and people look at me with pity. I hate it when little old ladies come up and think they can TOUCH my babies. HELLO PEOPLE. COLD AND FLU SEASON? Now I will admit, I'm a borderline germaphobe, but still. There are some serious illnesses out there right now that I cannot vaccinate my newborn baby against. He has to rely on the antibodies he receives through my breastmilk. He has to rely on me to keep him healthy and safe. I take that job seriously. Spencer didn't have so much as a cold before he was a year old. I take that as a personal victory. I do everything in my power to keep my kids healthy. That's not to say that another parent out there who's child(ren) get sick frequently is negligent or dirty. No. Kids get sick. For a long time, Spencer got sick almost every time he was taken out of he house. Kids pick up germs anywhere. That being said, I tend not to take my kids out hardly at all. They don't get exposed to very many things because their in my house and I can control how clean I keep it in here. Anyway, I hate it when people come up and think it's okay touch my baby. On his face. Do I go around touching other people on their face? No. So keep your hands off my baby. Thankyouverymuch.



It also really annoys me when someone asks how old my children are. They're three and a half, twenty months, and 2 months. Yes, they're close together. No it was not a mistake. Please don't say "oooooo wow you must be really busy". Yes, I am. I planned it that way. I'm not sorry my life is crazy busy.

It annoys me when people ask the genders of my three children, and then give a sorry sounding 'oooh' when they hear I have three boys. No, i didn't ever plan on having three boys, but that's the beauty of having babies, you can't control it, and even if you were hoping for the opposite gender...like i was, you can't imagine your baby being anything other than what they are. I can't imagine not having Nolan. God gave me three boys for a reason. I love my boys, I wouldn't trade them for the world. I do still want a girl, but more than likely that'll not be happening.

I don't know why having kids makes everyone else in the world feel like they can ask fairly personal questions (Are you breastfeeding?) What business is it of yours? Offer advice...I'll never forget this. When Spencer was 8 weeks old, we were in Regina for a few days. It was chilly out, not freezing. I had Spencer super bundled up getting ready to load him into the car to go do some exploring. On my way out of the hotel, this little old lady stopped me, started readjusting all of Spencer's covers and telling me the 'proper' way to cover him up. Thanks Mrs. Crazy, but he's MY child and I'll cover him however I see fit. Thanks.

Anyway, don't complaining for the day! Time to go get ready for work.

A New Day

My mental burden seems to be a little lighter today. Nolan had a fanfreakintastic night last night. Went to bed at 8...controlled *CIO for an hour and a half...Daddy had the magic touch last night!!! And...wait for it...He slept from 930 until FIVE AM!!!!!! Quick feed...some quiet reflection in his bassinet, another request for food and then back to sleep until TEN FREAKIN THIRTY this morning! I'm a whole new person today.

*Cry It Out.

I cleaned Spencer and Liam's bedrooms this morning, I drank an entire pot of coffee, have almost successfully fought off a cold, cleaned the kitchen, had some quiet time, pumped twice with no interruptions, had a phone conversation, ate breakfast AND lunch! I feel good to have got a few things accomplished. It's good for my soul. Very good. I like neatness, calm and order in my house. For the past 8.5 weeks, I've had none of that. For the first 6 or 7 weeks all I did was yell at the big boys. Not something I'm particularly proud of. I've been a monster to my husband...again, not proud. I've been spending money like a maniac....something I've noticed happens when i'm stressed, down, overwhelmed. Not good.

Well, all three kidlets are sleeping. Gonna ago veg on the sofa until they wake up! Lord knows it won't be very long!

I'm Trying

This third baby of ours has really thrown our world for a loop. I feel like i can't catch my breath. At all. All I do is tread water, exist, survive. I can't get a routine back into this house to save my soul. Anyone who knows me, knows that I thrive on routine. My kids thrive on routine...except Nolan. I realize he's only 8.5 weeks old. But the other two boys had a pretty awesome routine down by this time. Both were sleep trained. Not to sleep through the night, but to at least have a consistent bedtime every night. Not Mr. Nolan. Nope. This little boy is a challenge of challenges. He's colicky, and hungry, and doesn't appreciate his Daddy trying to snuggle. He loves his Mommy. He NEEDS his mommy. It's hard to not be able to catch a break. It's hard to be at his beck and call 24 hours a day. Dan definitely tries his hardest to calm and soothe Nolan. He tries to take over, but the little bugger won't have any of it. I can't go to bed early, I can't take a bath, I can hardly get out of the house because this kid needs to be on me all the flippen time. I love him, I really do, but sometimes it's a love because I have to. Not because I want to. He's certainly made the decision whether or not to have more babies pretty easy. My mental state would suffer badly if we were to bring another baby into this world. I hate feeling like I'm short changing my big boys because the baby is so excessively demanding. I hate turning on a cartoon in the basement for them to watch and then just leaving them to their own devices for the majority of the day because I'm too exhausted and overwhelmed to be a half decent mother to them. It kills me that they're getting pushed aside so that this new little person in the house can be tended to. I wish I was a better parent and could easily and breezily handle parenting three kids. I can't. If I had known how difficult this would have been, there's no way I'd have had another baby. That being said, I wouldn't trade Nolan for the world. The rare moments where he's smiling and cooing are absolutely worth it. I know this phase doesn't last forever, but it's extremely difficult to deal with when we're in the heat of it.

Anyway off to deal with screaming and crying. Wonderful.

I hate colic

I love my baby. I really do, but let me tell you, incessant crying for hours and hours on end makes even the most calm and seasoned parent want to run for the hills. I'm finding myself slipping back into the rut I was in when I was pregnant with Liam. I think it was borderline depression. I had postpartum depression with Spencer. Never sought help, it went away on it's own. Not after me contemplating running away (seriously) quite a few times. Anyway, this colic business is really really getting to me. Hours and hours and hours of screaming. I mean SCREAMING. Nothing soothes, nothing calms. Nothing except mommy's arms (sometimes). I don't know if it's because I smell like his food. Thank you breastfeeding....I'm now little more than a dairy cow to my newborn son. Anyway I made Dan wear one of my big pajama t-shirts when I went to work last Friday night trying to make his evening with the lovely Nolan go a little smoother. I guess it helped...until he puked all over it. Nolan-not Dan! I wish Dan would give the Mama kangaroo wrap a go. I think he'd find Nolan was a lot more calm if he were in it. One, he's snuggled super close. Two, it smells like me because I always have it on. But, Dan figures he needs boobs for it to work. No clue where the logic in that is as it's tied around your waist, but whatever, if he wants to deal with a screaming baby while I'm at work, fine. I don't have to hear it.

We finally got our 'nice' Christmas tree up and decorated. We put up the kids tree in the basement a few weeks ago and let them go at it with the decorations. It looked really cute until the next morning when Spencer and Liam went down and undecorated it. Now all the decorations are sitting in a basket out of little fingers reach.

My darling little Liam this morning. Man oh man this kid is awesome. When I was getting the kids dressed this morning Spencer chose some Diego unders. Liam has a new obsession with Diego so he kept grabbing Spencer's bum trying to get at Diego. Thank goodness Spencer has more than one pair of these particular unders because I grabbed the other pair out of his dresser and handed them to Liam so he could have his own Diego. Well no, this was not good enough. The little monkey had to have them on. So, I put them on over his sweatpants thinking when I changed his diaper I could just slip them off and all would be forgotten. Nope. They had to go back on. We had to go to Walmart this morning for a few things. Okay...try to take the unders off before we head out the door. Absolutely not. So, with my hair wet, a dirty jacket, screaming baby, very talkative 3 year old and a 1.5 year old wearing neon green underwear ON TOP of his pants, we piled in the van and went to walmart. What a sight we must have been!!

Spencer has been practising a lot of words lately. He cracks me up sometimes. Yesterday he was declaring that Liam's new train was "Fricken beautiful". Guess i need to be slightly more careful with my language!! The kid has been known to drop a few f-bombs in his day. Again, need to be a little more careful with my adjectives!

Anyway, off to bed. Gotta get up early and drive my babe into the city for his abdominal ultrasound. Just to make sure all his little guts are working the way they should be. I'm sure they are!!

Night